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What you are about to read is not a piece of fiction but is a factual piece by Lucy B a student at UEA. Lucy comes from the Oxford area and has one older brother. If you would like to contact Lucy about her situation leave a message on the noticeboard and we'll pass it on to her.
Pete
‘When your heart speaks; take good notes’.
If only I could live every single day of my life by this self-fulfilling prophecy then perhaps I would learn to ignore the demon, irrational voices in the form of Anorexia that have plagued my mind for the past six years?
It’s quite an obvious, clear-cut choice for me to make when boldly, printed on paper. I could either dwell bitterly on my past negative experiences or simply choose to use them as a source of motivation to avoid regressing back to the torrid mess that became my existence. Implicit in following this second option would be the opportunity for me to use my experiences to help others whilst maintaining a light hearted, almost sarcastic view of the events that have preceded my life so far.
However, for some inconceivable reason, it is a life-changing decision that I have battled with now for far too long. You may well ask, what could be remotely attractive about not only on one or two, but three occasions, having got myself into such a physical and emotional state that inpatient hospital treatment was required and sectioning threatened?
Prior to these emergency admissions, I had reduced myself to a 4 stone zombie, falling in and out of consciousness and unable to hold a simple train of thought. However painful the memories are, I never want to forget what it felt like to need my mum to dress me and wash my hair (due to lack of energy and the anxiety it caused when I brushed it myself and witnessed clumps of it falling out). Due to the incentive it gives me to never get myself into this situation again, I don’t even want to forget the tears of homesickness I cried when I initially entered hospital and was shadowed everywhere within a metre radius (including the toilet) by a nurse and then was not permitted visitors or use of a phone on my nineteenth Birthday.
However, the story doesn’t end here, as Anorexia doesn’t only strip you of opportunity whilst in the confines of a hospital treatment programme, it has put on hold any short-term academic and career plans that I have had. In one fowl swoop almost two years ago, I was told to vacate both my room and academic course at the University of East Anglia, that I had worked so hard to gain in the first place (by having extended my A-levels over three years instead of two to allow for my many hospital admissions). Before I say anything else on this matter, I want to make it clear that I don’t blame UEA for its decision to make me leave as they gave me every chance to try and improve my health so I was able to continue my studies. Their support has not even wavered nearly two years on to my intercalation, as they have still kept a place open for me to resume my university life if I am able to meet the health requirements.
However, although I am eternally grateful for the continued support of UEA, I have strong feelings as regards to the facilities that Norwich has to offer in terms of
Treatment of Eating Disorders. Ironically, for a place that is meant to be the Headquarters of the ‘Eating Disorder Association’, there remains a severe lack of help. This became apparent to me when I started at UEA and had trouble even finding a self-help group or dietician to assist me in staying on track with my illness. In addition to this, the final decision for me to leave university actually came as a result of the health service telling me that they couldn’t risk my physical condition deteriorating because there was no specialised Eating Disorder Hospital to admit me. Thus meaning I would most probably end up getting sent onto a General Psychiatric Ward or to a more specialised facility miles away from Norwich, family and friends.
Take a typical, recent example of a moment in time where I got caught in the trap of allowing my anorexic thoughts to congest otherwise useful space in my brain. I’m almost too ashamed to say but what the situation boiled down to was the absolute terror and anguish I encountered when holidaying in Wales and realising that the supermarket that stocks the majority of staple foods that make up my repetitive diet, did not exist in the town of Cardigan. How pathetic that a 21 year olds main anxiety in life consists of the extra ‘inch’ of a Crunchie chocolate bar I had to consume (as a result of my usual snack sized ones not being available) rather than the more normal fretting about whether to ring the bloke I met the night before in the pub 24 or 48 hours later? I’m not saying this to make you pity me, the total opposite in fact. You see, if I can’t let myself laugh at some of my irrational thoughts, then I may as well give up my fight now because in always allowing myself to get seriously upset and bitter about these things would be crediting and devoting far more time to it than my eating disorder deserves. It is this very point that leads me onto the crux of this article. On the occasions when I have listened to the true feelings in my heart rather than the illogical ones telling me not to ‘lick stamps due to their calorie content’, I have carried out some extremely worthwhile actions that I am very proud of. Rather than wasting the ‘free year’ that I had unexpectedly gained from my university intercalation, I decided to try and get some valuable work experience in a career area strongly connected to my degree. However, even this process of looking for an employer in the Health related sector was easier said than done as implicit in taking on a willing and ambitious employee was the added burden of my eating disorder (thus, the question of my reliability and strength to take on all of the responsibilities of the particular post being offered). Just when I was starting to give up hope of ever being given the chance to prove myself capable of carrying out a job in the health area employment, I quite by chance came across an article in a newspaper that was to be my saving grace. An equal –opportunities organisation called CSV was offering voluntary work- experience. With nothing to lose and everything to gain, I attended some interviews and a month later, I had moved to student accommodation in Brighton to work as a care assistant for a blind and disabled girl attending Sussex University. Excusing the awful pun, but this 4-month placement with a blind student totally opened up my eyes to the way I had viewed my life up until the point of meeting her. No-longer did I feel worthless and bitter because it became clear to me that where I had choices about what limitations I placed on my life (in terms of allowing myself to weigh and eat a ‘normal’ amount), the girl I was helping had no choice but to accept her paralysis and lack of sight. Who was I to moan about the way things had turned out for me when I could have some control of my illness?
Although one could say that my Anorexia has cost me a lot and in turn led me to see the darker side of life, I don’t regret any of the actions I have taken because without them, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Fair enough, maybe I haven’t taken the stereotypical student path of ‘GCSE’s followed by A-levels, a year out and then a University degree’; but to make up for it, I’ve gained some valuable experience (not only from my work with CSV but also via the part-time Counselling Skills Course that I have recently embarked upon), discovered what it means to have soul mates; and developed the ability to never take the simple things in life for granted.
Although my future in terms of university and achieving my goal of a dream job in counselling (perhaps as an agony aunt?) remains a subject of great ambiguity as the ultimate decision to eat properly lies within me, there are two things that I can be sure about. Number one that I’ll never allow my self to give up the fight. Two, the unquestionable truth that Anorexia equals existence, not a life. I don’t believe Virginia Woolf could have put it any better when she stated, “You cannot find peace by avoiding life”.
Since writing this piece Lucy has had to leave UEA due to her illness and spent some considerable time trying to recover before trying at a different Uni but unfortunately she could not maintain her weight gain whilst at the new Uni and has had to take time out again. This is an ongoing problem that can have serious implications not only for your health but for your whole life.
Disclaimer, Target Audience, Jurisdiction Last updated & checked: 22/03/2006